Every Saint Has A Past
by xlydiadeetz
Summary: Panic! at the Disco fanfiction. As adults, best friends Brendon and Ryan continue the odd game they started as children - a fearless competition to outdo one another with daring and outrageous stunts. While they often act out to relieve one another's pain, their game might be a way to avoid the fact that they are truly meant for one another.


_"__C'mon Bren, you just can't be mad at me forever" He says and then laughs. Where is a fucking train when you fucking need it?_

_"__I can't believe you did this to me, I thought we were friends" I spit out with a bit of sarcasm__**.**_

_Now he's quiet. Great. Though I think is the best he can do now. I swear I want to kill him__**. **__And every single time he opens his mouth I just… _

_"__Brendon, where are we? I hear something…Brendon, can you hear me? C'mon I was just kidding, it was nothing but a children's game. C'mon, what is a wedding? Just dresses and champagne…" He sighs and cross his arms "if you're mad because of the cake, I'll get you some after this, I promise"_

_Promise? He promised me he would never hurt me and he just did on my wedding day. I don't speak, I just listen. If he could understand it isn't just about the wedding. Plus, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FUCKING DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CAKE! _

_"__What's that?" Oh Jesus, here it comes_**:**_ "__Brendon, can I move?" The fucking train is coming behind him_**.**_Oh shit, do…do I save him? "Just tell me if I stay where I am or if I fucking move!" I say nothing and Ryan is smart enough to remove the bandage I had put over his eyes and jump off of the railway tracks_

_He gives me__a look full of sadness__, anger and disappointment at the same time_**.**_I__only__ return the gesture in a cold way, expressing any feelings. He is standing there while I'm still sitting right next to the train railway tracks. It's about four in the afternoon and the wind cools my face. _

_"Go to hell" I say and he bites his lower lip__ before replying, "Okay, but you come with me." Ryan moves on the _railway _and picks up__the can__ that has caused so many problems in so few years_**. **_The can__ that is empty on the inside but exhibits a beautiful carousel outside__**.**__ I get lost in his movements and then suddenly he stops. I look at him straight in the eyes and before I manage to say anything, he anticipates "We don't see each other for_ _ten__years.__ Dare?" He gives me a look full of hate and deep down in my heart, it hurts me_**.**_Wait…He just said ten years?_

_Ryan__turns around__ and starts walking back to town._

_How__can I endure__ ten years without him if I cannot even bear to watch him walk away from me?_

"Brendon" Ryan? "Brendon, it's time for the show." Nope, not Ryan.

I open my eyes slowly and Dallon smiles at me, I rub my eyes and stretch "Is it time?" Dallon nods and I get up trying to get that memory out of my head. I hear the screams of the fans and see the rest of my friends preparing to go onstage. The Roxy Theatre and I'm not nervous. But still I feel my heart beating fast, and a cold sweat on my neck. This is what I get when Ryan Ross decides to get into my head and make me suffer with memories. This is what I get since I chose to let him go. What if I had stopped him from running out of my life? What if I had said something? What if I had just listened? But now, after 10 years of knowing nothing about him, there's nothing I can do. He might never come back. What if he actually never comes back? What would I do? What would I have? Just memories?

Memories. That's all I have left of what we had. Simple memories.** - **I say to myself.

I do my ritual before going on stage: eating skittles and drinking excessive amounts of Red Bull. Dallon and Spencer are the first to go out, then Ian and I am the last to show up. I see the crowd and I wonder if he'll be there ... No ...He couldn't, could he? It's been ten years, but I don't think he has dared to come to the show.

"Good evening, Los Angeles! I must say you are beautiful, I'm so glad to have you here tonight!" I shout at the microphone and the crowd goes wild.

We start the show with "Hurricane" and I feel the stress is leaving my body. I feel relaxed while listening to the people singing along with me. But the memory of Ryan and the train is still in my head, and I just try to forget but I can't...It's already been ten years?

What if he forgot about me?

We end the show playing "Ready To Go" and I say goodbye to LA with a "Thank you. You are amazing. We love you." plus my best smile, and then I go backstage to take a shower before leaving. It was the last show of the tour. That's it. I'm free.

Ten years ...So much has changed in ten years. I got married, I signed to a label, I have a daughter and I'm famous. But…What about him? What happened to his life? Does he miss me? Is he over me now? Where the hell are you, Ryan Ross? And why do you keep coming back into my mind?

_"__What'll you be when you grow up?" he asks me when we're under the table_

"A tyrant!" I say with a big smile, He replies "A tyrant? Your people subjugated and everything?" he says surprised.

"Totally! With a harem, slaves, and torture every Thursday!" I say and he giggles "Cool!"

"What about you?"

"Well, I... No, it's too dumb." He blushes.

"Tell me!" I cry out.

"You won't like it."

"But I told you! So now you tell me!"

He rolls his eyes before saying_ "I'd like to be a cream puff. A cream puff with apricots, or even a plain one. Lukewarm at the bakery. In the window."_

"A cream puff? As in a cake?" I say, kind of surprised.

"Of course! What else! A cream puff is a cream puff!" he says angrily

_"__A cream puff..." Well that's odd…But on the other hand… "Yeah, of course, a cream puff! That's brilliant!" _

_He smiles at me and then he kisses me on the lips, I smile too. Just a kiss, it's what best friends do, right? Plus, he's gorgeous! He's the most beautiful eight years old boy I've ever seen and he's my best friend, aren't I lucky?_

"Brendon," Spencer shakes me "Are you OK? We just arrived to the hotel, man. Stop thinking about Sarah for five minutes."

I look at him "Yeah, yeah I'm okay, I was just thinking." I lie again.

"He's having fantasies about Sarah," Ian says and I roll my eyes

"Shut the fuck up, Crawford," I get out of the car as it gets to the hotel, crossing the lobby as fast as I can so I don't have to interact with another human, in which I succeed.

Who needs to talk to people anyway? 'Cause I don't

Finally I find my room and I let myself fall into the bed without having even turned the lights on.

Who needs Ryan Ross anyway? 'Cause I clearly don't

I have everything I fucking want.

_"__Then why does it bother you so much that he hasn't even called you after 10 years?" _

I sit up straight on the bed. "Who said that?"

_"__You, stupid, I'm your conscience, I'm inside your head, duh." _

"Then why do you have Ryan's voice?"

_"__Because you find it sexy, not my fault, it's yours."_

Even my own conscience pisses me off.

If it wasn't because of that stupid game, this wouldn't be happening right now.

_"__No, maybe if you hadn't tried to kill him, he'd still talk to you."_

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

_"__Okay class, who wants some extra points today?" Not me. "Words beginning with "B"? Yes, Ryan?"_

Oh! Yes it's time to have some fun, now he better do what I told him.

"'B' for... 'Big-dick', 'bonk'... 'B' for 'Beat the beaver', 'bordello', 'balls', 'blow-job', 'bug-eyed baboon', 'bitchbag'... 'Beat it, bitchbag!'"

_"__Think you're funny, Mister? What language! I'm giving you zero, "Z" for "zero"! We'll see if the principal thinks it's funny." _

_Okay, Ryan. You did good this time._

_I smile while passing Ry the can. He grins and the rest of the class is waiting for us to cry or something. The kind of mom-and-daddy-kids, hypocrites, assholes. The kind of kids who cry every time they don't get what they want. I'm not one of those kids. Ryan isn't either. That's why we get along so well. That, plus we're just a great team, aren't we? _

_"__Brendon! What's going on? To the principal's with Ryan!" Bitchbag. "These kids and their stupid games"_

_A stupid game? Maybe so, but it is our game._

_"Boner" I tell him while we're being escorted to the principal's office._

_"__What?" he asks confused_

_I reply "B for Boner!"_

_"__I didn't have time!" he laughs and the teacher gives us a look saying 'I hate you. I hope you die. Stupid kids'_

_It is a great game, only no one finds it funny._


End file.
